**Deep Breath**

While that bipolar smiley image makes me smile, it also makes me roll my eyes. It’s clever and it’s frustrating. I have taken the liberty of diagnosing myself with bipolar and had been convinced of it for a few years now anyway. First of all, it runs in my family. Secondly, I have manic and depressed mood swings (not the lickity split kind that happen on a dime).

Anyway, this weekend was a manic weekend. Constantly had to be doing something… knocked out a lot of random errands Saturday. Sunday we enjoyed one another, started tossing around vacation ideas for September, went to a cookout, and then I had to get ready for work overnight (8p-8a). While at work, I accomplished planning most of the vacation (including looking up campsites, finding a race for me to do, and pricing things… more about that later), a lesson plan about heat casualties (including research), and some other random things. Today, when I returned home, I didn’t go to sleep.  Instead, I just HAD to reorganize my Army medic aid bag. That took me 3 hours. Then I did laundry and vacuumed. It’s hard to get me to stop. Then I will go go go go go until I am so depleted that I am practically a zombie. This weekend was a productive mania weekend (that I really need to stick around maybe half-fullforce to accomplish a lot of other things this week).

My normal mania is sweat obsession. I want to do all the yoga classes, run, and do crossfit. My mind gets excited about doing things and accomplishing things and experiencing things and forgets that it needs rest. It’s why I get injured. My lows find me overanalyzing everything more than usual and lethargic. I struggle with self-worth and confidence. It’s hard to get me to get up and make coffee let alone clean up the Army pile in the corner of the living room. I get overwhelmed very easily when I’m low. I get increasingly more frustrated with my inability to do simple tasks. My ability to focus is quickly dwindling.

I realize that there may come a time that I need to actually seek help. My husband has been warned and has seen my swings. I’m not quite sure he has seen a mania stage quite like that of the one I had this weekend… but he knows. He is incredibly helpful and literally brings balance to The Force. 🙂 (I literally had a whole lot of Star Wars images flash through my head)

I don’t use any substances or anything to counter the swings. I try to work through them. I still drag myself into the gym when I’m down. I always feel better after a workout. I try to slow myself down when I’m up by taking the dog for a walk, sitting down to blog, reading a book or magazine… take a bath. Sometimes, it takes the words (whether good or bad) of a close friend or my husband painting a realistic picture for me, but as it stands, I manage quite well. It’s a constant balancing act and I don’t really mind the challenge (most of the time). It adds flavor to my life, right?

The keys to success in my life are sweat, a few close people, laughter, and Disney.

I don’t really talk about this stuff. But this is supposed to be me sharing who I am with whoever chooses to read it, right? Well, here you are. I have a whole lot more I could say about the thoughts and struggles and things, but I think you get the general idea and that’s the point.

3 thoughts on “BiPolar?

  1. I an exceptionally impressed with your attitude and your willingness to give it your best to work around your issues. Truly inspirational.

    I would suggest a good non-medicating shrink though… Interview them, tell your prospects what you expect out of them, etc. Let them get to know you so that if anything big pops up, you’re already proactive and ahead of the game – maybe once a month after the once a week start-up month… This is how sobriety works for me… We remain proactive in the recovery so the big things aren’t so big. It smooths out the roller coaster.

    Other than that, you’re awesome. Fantastic.

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